The Pendleton Panther

Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

A 68-year-old farmer has become famous after passing the driving theory test on the 950th attempt. After 791 hours of examinations, 949 failures and about 10000 dollars, a South Korean vegetable merchant, Cha Sa-soon has successfully passed her theory test. Cha Sa-soon has struggled to master the rules of the road but that did not stop her from trying, she did not give up and was determined to pass the test. In fact, she wants to pass so much that she has taken the test every day since April 13, 2005 in addition, she attended a few hours of intensive private lessons a day. After 4 years of persistence and determination, Cha Sa-soon’s dream of driving a small truck to take vegetables to the local market has gotten closer; all she has to do now is to pass the practical examination! Not even Tiger Woods has this kind of tenacity! Now let’s hope she will be able to drive on the roads before 2013.

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britney-spears-shaved-head-400a061907So once again Britney Spears has had a mental relapse and decided to shave her head yet again… I do not understand what she is trying to do or prove to the world, the world already thinks that she is crazy so I do not know what she is doing. She has two sons who are going to look back on at this and either wonder, what the heck is wrong with my mom or they can use it against her to get away with her. I wonder what else Britney will surprise us with again this year, any more hostage holdings of her own sons? Perhaps, or possibly something more dramatic I’m not quite sure but I’m sure that we are all in for a ride. This is actually all one hundred percent false, April fools everyone. Britney did not shave her head again; she is doing great, or as great as she can ever do.  

gordonbrownThe United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Empire is making a comeback and is going to once again rule the world. Gordon Brown announced his plan to the leaders of the world the other day during a video new conference. He said, “I feel that I can do a much better job of running all of your countries than you can and so my cabinet and I have decided to takeover the world.” As you can expect, mouths gasped open in shock and fury. The Prime Minister, although many argue is doing the worst job of any world leaders in running his country, feels confident that a return of the British Empire will restore a sense of security and order in such a chaotic world. He ensures all the people of the world that this will be a friendly takeover, one in which no one will be hurt and all will prosper-the Brits, surprisingly, are in the biggest outrage than anyone, demanding that their Prime Minister figure out how to solve their problems before solving the worlds. Don’t fear, Gordon Brown is here-and if that does not instill much confidence in you then you will be comforted to hear he has appointed Tony Blair and George Bush as his senior advisors.

Have you ever flown on a plane and been bored out of your mind? I certainly have. The last thing I want to do after boarding a plane is wait and listen to the flight safety procedures and regulations. In the many flights I have taken, I have yet to notice one person giving their utmost attention to the flight attendant while he or she is giving the pre-flight talk. Southwest Airlines has found the man for the job. His name is David Holmes. He has found a unique way to present the information to the passengers by rapping his preflight safety precautions. Not only does he rap, but he gets the passengers to help him out by creating a beat of their own by stomping and clapping. There isn’t a person in the plane who isn’t intrigued by Dave’s new pre-flight methods. Not only has Dave found a way to help people pay attention to what he has to say, but he has also found a way to brighten everyone’s day just a bit. Here he is:


flirting-noI thought I would continue my theme for the week and share some cute, stupid, and funny pick up lines with all of you.  My recommendation is don’t use them if you are seriously trying to get someone.  They will (or should) just laugh in your face.

1.  Are you wearing ninja turtle underwear?  (Because your butt is kickin’!)

2.  Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

3.  How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice! Hi my name is Jana.

4.  If you were a booger I’d pick you first.

5.   Do you have any raisins? How about a date?

6.   Did you fart?  Because you just blew me away.

7.   Is your dad a terrorist? Because YOU DA BOMB!!!

8.   I’m not really this tall.  I’m just sitting on my wallet.

9.  You can fall off a building.  You can fall out of a tree.  But the best way to fall is in love with me.

10. If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.


rock3There was a rock on the ground that immediately made me stop and stare in awe. This rock was in the middle of a crevice on the sidewalk. The rock was quite small, so I had to stop, kneel down and pick it up. I took my magnifying glass out of my pocket and examined the textures along each side of the rock. I noticed lines of different colors and symbols that tell a story. They say that trees tell stories from the rings and the bark of a tree. I believe that rocks tell a very intellectual unique story to any rock lover like me. The description of the rock was black, white, and yellow. This particular rock was two inches tall and two inches wide. The story this rock told me was a very unique one. It is two hundred years old in rock years. I named it Rocky and it has been very sad for many years because it has been stepped on and kicked around. Rocky just wants to be part of a safe environment. So if you have never read a rock before, its bundles of fun I highly suggest it as an activity in ones free time.


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